June 2004 Archives

(16:20)


Which value has been on either side of but nowhere near zero lately.


For all you peoples who hate math, that basically means.... nah, not 'splaining it. Learn math.
:-P


I don't think I'm eating enough, because I'm too lazy to cook, and sometimes I'm even too lazy to go out and get food. But I guess that's good. I hope to be under 1/10 ton again someday. But I guess it's bad, because my body needs nourishment, now that it has all this poison in it.


You know something I don't understand? In today's day and age, why are there people who stubbornly pronounce war3z as though it were Juarez?!


Fine, fine, fine, I'll explain. It means my mood is fluctuating a lot. Non-Calculus-doin' bums.


Thus concludes the Once Around My Brain tour. Once your own brain has come to a complete stop, flee to the left. Mind the gap between my weblog and the rest of reality.

(11:18)


There are three things about Role-Playing Games that I wish mirrored life more.


I wish that when I stepped on a spider, that somehow it made me a stronger person, and I earned money. And that one spider out of thirty or so dropped some Robitussin. Experience is harder to gain in real life, and so's GP. Or Gil, or Gella, or Munny, or whatever you call it.


I wish that I could cast spells. Not, like, imaginary spells that all high school girls who think they're witches think they can cast. I mean, like, I expend MP and something palpable happens. Lightning would be nice. Or...Leila had a booboo for which Cure 1 would have been JUST perfect. She insisted on "Kiss bettah," which led me to believe that maybe my kiss restores 5 HP or something. Someday I'll have to experiment further on the magical properties of my kiss, I guess. It'd be nice if I can channel my energies differently and, like, turn people to stone with it.


I also wish that time stopped when I was doing non-plot-related activities. In any RPG, they're like "MUST SAVE THE WORLD! QUICKLY! WE'RE ALL DOOMED IF YOU DON'T SAVE THE WORLD NOW!" And you're like "YES, I WILL SAVE THE WORLD." And then you go spend the next 18 hours playing the Spoofy Ball Mini Game in an attempt to earn some Gringo Points so that you can buy some superfluous accessories that make the game even easier than your wanton time-wasting leveling up has already made it. And THEN maybe you go save the world, which hasn't changed. In real life, you don't have TIME to play mini games while your diva is waiting at her voice lesson. And she doesn't CARE if you have enough Gringo Points for the Red Headband, or if you found the secret entrance to Bahamut's Voice Studio instead of coming directly to her lesson.


Ah well, time to go back to Mario & Luigi's Superfun Game, where the imminent doom of Beanbean kingdom is on hold until I find a way to combat it.... after detouring to design some clothes, of course!

(16:09)


Intrigue MIGHT get you good sex. But... wait, what am I talking about, mystery is the best. Taking that angle for my opening destroyed the rest of my case.

---

Mystery is Overrated ~Take 2~

(16:11)


Intrigue MIGHT get you good sex. (I'm steeled for it this time, no turning back.) But little else. Being transparent is the way to go. It's the quickest route to love and trust and generally getting life DONE. This is why I choose to be refreshingly honest with people. There's enough in life to wonder about. Like all of the fifth roots of -1, for example. But one should not have to wonder about whether or not D is on their side.


I'm on everyone's side, of course, except for people who aren't on their own side. If you don't want what's truly best for you, then we have a problem. Or if you're not helping me win my game of Spades and you're my partner.


Anyway the whole reason I'm bringing this up is because I need to vent some pain that is of a nature that most folks might prefer to conceal. See, my chemotherapy is beginning to make life miserable, and on the worst day possible. It appears to be causing mouth sores again. And what's so bad about mouth sores is that most things that cause mouth sores cannot tell which end of your digestive tract is your mouth.
>8-(


I have to play the piano in less than 3 hours. Being able to sit still without writhing would be a good thing. ARRGGGHH....

(21:36)


We be on a journey whose end is beyond even the knowledge of the sea-dragon. We be holding course and holding faith. Whether we live or die be in the hands of the wind.

The ship be holding together. I don't think it be really seaworthy, so we be staying to calmer waters until such as we be sure of no missing tar or nails. I don't know when we be ready for the real sea.

Food supply: just fine. I never run outta food at sea. Only on land, because I don't know where nothing be when I be in civilization, HAR!

Morale: good. Everybody seems to love everybody, on the surface. And the surface be all that matters, because if you be going below the surface, that means you be sunk.

(22:13)


I think the crew be getting bored. Hugging coastlines be no fun, and smooth waters never a hearty sailor did keep awake. And a bored crew be a dangerous one. Most scurvy scum you find on boats such as mine be not too clever, or even decent, when coming up with ways to keep smiles on their faces.

But I can feel it in me bones. Tomorrow we be going to sea. And I be enjoying every second of it too. The sound of the waves breaking on the hull and the feel of the breeze in your whiskers, it be all a treasure, says I. And you never know when you might be sunk, whether it be by man or by God. Or when you be having to dock and waste your sea legs on dry ground.

Aye, I pity the man who stands between me and the sea.

(14:05)


We be asea! There be no land in sight! My heart be flapping like a sail. Why be my crew wanting to do nothing but dance?

(11:25)


I was lying in bed last Friday afternoon, because it hurt to sit for too long, and it hurt to take long strides. It actually hurt to lie down too, but that was the least amount of pain. And I thought to myself, why does this hurt so much? I've had this before, but this time the pain is unreal. Then I started praying.


My prayers to God are rarely demanding. Sometimes I might make a request, but most times it's more like a humble plea. Something to the tune of Hey, sorry to bug you, but your unworthy servant has a problem. Please help me get through this. If it's not your will that my problem should cease now, at least give me the strength to bear it. And so far, I've managed to get through everything life has dealt me, and I'm pretty much at peace with how it all turned out.


But last Friday I was like "PLEASE God, TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY. At least take it away so that I might accompany this violinist without fidgeting on the bench. I'll do ANYTHING. Tell me what you want me to do." And right away, the words "Pour out your coffee" entered my head.


Now, I'm not so arrogant as to assume that God spoke to me directly. Most likely I just thought that myself, randomly. But still I got to thinking. My first thought was... that's ridiculous, God would never ask me to do something like that. So I shouldn't do THAT. And then I realized... no, the only reason I'm thinking I needn't do it is because of how attached I am to Dunkin Donuts coffee. Suppose God really did tell me to pour this cup of coffee out? Would I be able to do it? Or would I rationalize it somehow? So, just to prove that I could, I poured out the rest of my coffee. It was extra large, 24 oz., and I had drunk maybe about 3 oz.


Naturally, my thinking didn't stop there.


Actually, for the moment it did, but now, reflecting on it, I'm starting to think a step further.


I started thinking about my devotion to Dunkin Donuts coffee. The fact that I rely on it for peace of mind. Not the caffeine... more the taste. The whole experience. Warm sweetness in my mouth and down my throat. It adds relaxation to anything else I do. Some might say that my devotion to that coffee was a mild violation of the First Commandment. Maybe it is. Maybe I should give it up altogether!


Then I thought...well...people give up stuff for Lent, and I think that this is a stupid practice. Is what I'm doing any different? Hmmm. And then I realized, yes it is. I have no idea who started this whole giving stuff up for Lent thing, but it's a mockery. Most people don't even know why they're giving anything up. If asked why, they invent some dumb reason that I'm sure I could counter.


To remember Christ's sacrifice for me - Christ gave up his life. He died very painfully in the manner of a criminal. You're doing homage to that by not eating pizza for forty days?

As self-improvement - So are you saying that Easter is for self-destruction?


(Oo, and my favorite part of it is how some people think that on Sundays during Lent "it's okay" to partake of whatever you gave up for the season. Sundays just don't count. Geez, people. Do you really think God is impressed?!)


That's all I can think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure that given enough time I could reduce any other explanation to nonsense.


So, in the end, the conclusion of all my thinking of the matter is as follows:


Starting now, every Lent, I will give something up. Just like everyone else, right? WRONG. The difference is, what I give up will STAY given up for the rest of my life. I will choose something that I lean on, but something that I don't really need. I hope God forgives me that I got a late start this year. It's past Pentecost and I'm JUST NOW giving up Dunkin Donuts coffee.


Which I may expand to include all coffee...

(14:15)


Every once in a while, I start to realize that I'm addicted to inaction. Usually this occurs when I've been immersed in the consequences of my inaction for too long. Or, more accurately, when I've been too often observed wallowing in the consequences of my inaction. Like when someone stops by and sees my messy room... or when people ask about what I've accomplished and I realize I have nothing new to tell them for the third week in a row.


So then, today will be a day of action. I've turned my room upside-down and shaken it so that I can deal with everything in turn, and if I make good progress there, step two will be the garage. Man, the garage is going to be annoying, because I know that there are opportunistic spiders breeding among my belongings... I'll practically have to fumigate before I can move.


And moving, that's step three.

---

Leila's Tantrums

(14:20)


I wonder...


It seems that I'm the voice of undeniable reason to her. She heeds my explanations and goes with what I say, to the best of her understanding, even if it means doing something that she hadn't otherwise intended. Even if it means exclusion from my room, or that I won't pick her up, or whatever else I might deny her.


Papa J, on the other hand...


For some reason, when she deals with him, she deliberately closes her eyes to reason. Maybe it's the manner in which he denies her the things she wrongly wants... he's more likely to restrain her or physically remove stuff from her hand. And then she starts screaming and ignoring his scolding, eventually resulting in the five-minute timeout upstairs.


I tried an experiment today. I was in the kitchen, foraging for sustenance, and I heard him trying to convince her that the bathroom door should be closed. And I heard her disagreeing. And then I heard the door close, and sure enough, she began screaming. I put down what I was doing and came out into the hallway so that I could see them. And Leila screamed for a bit, and the instant she saw me watching her, she stopped screaming. (And Papa J put her down. No wonder she was screaming... he probably picked her up to restrain her.) She even went to the gated-off stairs and said "Upstairs" as if that's what she was fully expecting! Soon then she reverted to her normal self and started pointing out random things she noticed around her.


But that's very interesting.... she won't throw a tantrum in front of me. Maybe the mere sight of me yanks her back to her senses. Which is cool... but... I doubt it'll help her parents win the game of controlling her without infuriating her. Which is really what I want. (Shrug) I guess that figuring that game out is a part of successful child-rearing.

(16:44)


One of the many hallmarks of D.


Some peoples that are health nuts eat bean crud instead of meat. I guess that's cool... but I draw the line at low-crab diets. First of all, the word is CRABOHYDRATE. Not just crab. Respect it, and then eat it. Yeah.

So, I think I'll go have a forbidden bowl of Frosted Mini-Whats.

---

Emotional Phases

(16:47)


Two of the many hallmarks of D.


Like, right now I love everyone. And at the same time I want them to leave me alone. I love them like I love a thunderstorm. From far away. Yes... stay farrr away, in the land where I love you. Though I'll make an exception for peoples who don't want anything from me. If you want me to be happy and you come close, I'll still love you I'm sure.


But I'm temporarily tired of cute women. My eyes are full and my black book is empty.

(14:30)


Small child playing innocently near a large in-ground pool. Let's make it a black child. Everybody loves minorities. Anyway, should we actually go to the limit and depict the child falling in? Hm... Maybe we can have the child wander off-camera and then the baritone narrator can suggest the the child fell in. Yeah. That way it's subtle, but doesn't lose any of its sting!


So, the camera zooms out slowly... because that's a great effect, the slow zoom. Like you're becoming helplessly removed from the situation that's about to transpire. Ooo, that works especially well because then when the camera zooms out to show the whole pool area, the child just isn't there. Poetic! Tragic!


And during the zoom, you hear a voice saying.... "Just try to explain to them that the child fell in while you were doing your math homework. [dramatic pause] They'll understand."


Ooo, it'll be great. This way we can stamp out math homework for good. And, and, our next one can emphasize the math calculations that go into terrorism! If this flies, we'll live in a perfectly happy world with the journalist as king!

(14:24)


That might be enough. What do you think? Think it's time for a change? I think it's time for at least an attempt at change. There are some trends that are nice... and there are others that are just the result of cowardice or stagnation. Those others need to be stamped out!


So wish me luck.

(15:09)


...because this one was malfunctioning earlier.


So I'm not gonna say too much on this one today. Okee?


Hi.

---

Mild Mind Change

(23:03)


Harmony. Beauty. Everything aligned. If anyone has a majority of days like this, I envy such person. And I don't usually subscribe to unhindered envy... but I don't usually get days like this. It's like, every downbeat was there, every upbeat was there... and every missed beat turned out to be a syncopation. Lost Spades game. Whoop-dee dooo.


Hanging out with Leila was cool. She was cute and demanding, and then when it was time to go to Daddy for lunch and naptime, she was obedient.


Hanging out with SYDK J was cool. You need a buddy like this.


My piano lesson was cool. The student either had a random good day or practiced more this week. Because we got some real STUFF done.


Talking on the phone with other people was cool. I talk more when I'm nervous. Most times that helps.


The weather was cool. Got up to the 80's, but the humidity took a break and a merciful breeze kept things cozy. I'll sleep tonight!!


Middle Sister giving me a subcutaneous injection was cool. My usual neighbor nurse is out of town, and so is the back-up neighbor nurse, and the third-string neighbor nurse is unavailable until tomorrow... so I allowed Middle Sister to have a shot...(grimace) at... it. She had to give injections to each of our parents... and while she was studying Aminal Science at school, she also gave shots to pigs goats cows whatever. So... If I'm lucky, someday I'll appear on a resume, right after a cow.


The sight of my bed waiting for me is cool. Ahhh, I'll be there soon, sweetie.


I recently started playing with this puzzle site, which has hundreds of the sorta nerd puzzles I like to do in my nerd puzzle magazines. And that's cool. They really help to tame an unruly mind. The ruly of mind need not apply.


And you, you reading this... you're cool too. Because if you're REALLY reading this, then you're resonating with my rhythm. And today, that rhythm is cool.


Goo night.

(20:56)


It's just there. A fifty-dollar bill. It seems to be in plain view. Not hidden. How'd it get missed? Should I take it? It's not like there's anything I did to earn it. It's not like there's even any special skill I had that helped me find it. I just happened to be the first person to walk by after the whoever that dropped it. When did he--How long has it been there?


Is it defective? Counterfeit? Is it a trap? Someone's watching me and it's a test of integrity. I should leave it. Or pick it up and dial the SPCA or the FBI or the HBO or something. But I shouldn't.... pocket it!


Or maybe I'll just use it for good. Not for selfish things, for someone else. For someone needy. Or maybe I'll just hang onto it and wait to see if someone puts up a sign... Yeah right, what would such a sign read... "lost, $50-bill, sentimental value, call 51N-9M*$ ask for Yo' Daddy, sucka."


I think I'm gonna stop waiting for the other shoe to drop now. I'm going to stop waiting for the proof that the money is too good to be true. I think I'll take it at face value. It's about time I learned to do that. Sometimes, I can be lucky. I can come across something that I didn't deserve, and it won't be a crime for me to accept it! Life is like that, and I should be grateful. And Take That Fifty Dollar Bill!


Unless, maybe, it's... diseased??

(9:09) <= Ooo!


...when you're done eating your Frosted Mini-Whats, you're simply not doing it right.


Okay, initiate rapid plot summary on other weblog, and, Go.

(11:04)


This has been a peaceful morning. There's nothing bothering me right now. It's not like there isn't anything to bother me, but... for some reason nothing is. And it's not like a numb feeling or an apathetic feeling... it's a good feeling.


The nether pain has returned, but I don't care. It makes a few minutes in the morning a bit trying, and then the pain lingers, ebbs and flows. Probably for the rest of today, and then tomorrow and Friday and through the weekend. But it's just not bothering me.


I'm a bit nervous about an encounter I will have this afternoon, but the anxiety seems distant right now. Arson in a faraway ghost town. I know it will be fine. I know life will be good.


I'm even getting over the initial...nah... too early to talk about that.


But you know what? I think I'm going to try something different. Focusing on the positive. Sometimes I get so caught up in focusing on why the negative doesn't matter... that I ignore the positive.


SYDK D, in a recent conversation, made it clear to me exactly what I am fighting for. I'm not fighting to stay alive...I'm fighting to be rid of cancer. Prior to that conversation, I never even entertained the thought of what life without cancer would be like. When I thought of it, the joy that swept through me was greater than any joy I'd ever felt before. I realize now, I'll do anything it takes to have a chance at making that joy a reality. Keeping sight of that joy makes life so beautiful.


But what if it never becomes a reality?? That would be so sad, wouldn't it?? To have all that hope squashed... Maybe I should be realistic. HAHAHA, balderdash. Long as I'm alive, there's a chance! Which means there's no reason for me not to freely enjoy the feeling of joy.


And even aside from that, this morning I went in to keep Leila entertained while she called in vain to her parents. It was a beautiful time...she was pointing to things, asking for things, talking to me, smiling, laughing... At one point she even pointed to the little baby monitor nearby and said "Talk Daddy." And I tried! And when I bumped the wall on my way out, she said "ahyou awight?" And I said "Yes I am." And she was quiet after I left. She understood that I couldn't take her out of the crib, or fix the mattress, or fix her diaper, or brush her teeth... (all of which she asked for) The fact that she understands me so well fills me with... well, more joy I guess!


And even... duckies... I was going to talk about that again.


Well, that's where I am today. At peace. I hope that I remember the way I feel now the next time I don't feel that way.


(Looking at the title) Whoa... that's right... I can't even believe that I started this entry out with nothing to say. Hahah.

(11:44)


But I think that it's real this time.


Yah, words aren't coming.


Let's see if I can make some come.


Bent on dividing the world into three equal parts, Liongreln took up his sword and...


Hm. Try again.


Sold! Cried the barker. I didn't know why I had chosen to bid on it, because I didn't need it. In fact, I don't think I really wanted it. Perhaps I was just trying to get in the way. It would have been a travesty for it to have been sold for the price offered by Mrs. Bringly...


Hm. This is actually kinda fun. Think I'll do that one more time and then call it quits.


Don't gaze. Please... just... catch a small glance and then look away. It would be better for your eyes that way. Surely the torture would be with you for the rest of your life if you were to stare.... The key is to enjoy it without burning its image onto your mind. For everyone who remembers it... is enslaved by it.


Heh, okay, think I'm done. I was merely applying the Finding Forrester technique. Just punch the keys, y'know? Don't think. That comes later.


Okay, where's my phone? The day is on!

(10:27)


Somebody: why are people so freaking stupid?

DFDMaestro I: I think people are stupid as a defense... against.... brain-eating aliens.

....

DFDMaestro I: Oh yes... and sometimes people are stupid because if you keep your brain on, you're more particular about choosing a mate, and you might be single longer.
~


Read and learn. There are many reasons people are stupid. The more reasons you know, the fewer excuses you have. Once you run out of excuses, you get smart. Or you turn evil. Either way, it's forward motion!


And then this is from another conversation....



[I'm beginning by speculating on why so many women want to be merely friends with me]

DFDMaestro I: Women want to be friends with me because I satisfy so many of their deeper needs without presenting any kind of a threat.

SomebodyFemale: Threat!?

SomebodyFemale: Why would being threatening, be a good thing?

DFDMaestro I: I dunno. It just is.

......

SomebodyFemale: Let's think of the associations of that word for a moment: scary, violent, overbearing...

SomebodyFemale: doesn't sound good to me. No, I don't like threatening men.

DFDMaestro I: Scary, violent, overbearing... those guys get girls!!! ;-)

......

SomebodyFemale: Does it work the other way? Do men like threatening women in your universe as well? ;-)

DFDMaestro I: Men like women who say "yes," which is to say, anything that doesn't sound like "no."

DFDMaestro I: "I don't think so" doesn't sound like "no," by the way.

SomebodyFemale: What about: "I'm not sure."

DFDMaestro I: Holy crud...

DFDMaestro I: That means ask again in 5 minutes

DFDMaestro I: And most men can't count to 5 minutes.
~


Tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead.

(16:30)


I'm in a foul mood right now, so it might a good time to pay homage to grouchy peoples.


Actually, I think this Ben & Jerry's is putting a significant crimp in my bad mood.... but... I think I can still access it for the purposes of today's weblog. Actually, I don't really need the grumpiness itself. So... more ice cream. ... mmmmmm.


Anyway, I dunno why it is that whenever there's a situation in which a whole buncha fictional characters have distinctive personalities, the grouchy one is always cool. This was brought up in conversation with the heretofore unmentionable girl. (Oh... wow... that has an acronym of H.U.G. I'm so freakin' amazing sometimes.) I think it was an oblique mention of Snow White and the Seven Dorfs that sparked that topic.


Because Grumpy is the coolest Dorf. He'll be a part of the group... only because he feels he has to. Not that he needs it himself. He's too stable for you!! You'll have to remove your annoying self from the vicinity!!


And then there's Grouchy Smurf... who wasn't really grouchy per se... just under a lot of stress. Not sure from what. The gender ratio of his village might suggest sexual frustration as a cause, but that's merely speculative. I just know that when a person or smurf responds to a mention of XYZ by saying "I HATE XYZ," that's usually a manifestation of some inner conflict. As a defense mechanism, he's spreading around his angst to include... well... everything. But he's still cool. He's still useful. He just hates you. And your tie.


Incidentally, Grouchy isn't REALLY my favorite smurf. He's cool, but he doesn't beat Brainy. So concerned with preaching what he feels to be right, that he doesn't mind being tossed on his head repeatedly by the other Smurfs. Never give up, Brainy... the ignoramuses of the world will listen to you someday.


And then there's the quintessential grump... Oscar the Grouch. Doesn't mind conducting an educational lesson or singing about garbage... but fundamentally just wants to be left alone. Is that so wrong?


Well, today I guess I can list myself among them. I'll call myself Smiley D today. I like ironic epithets.

(11:27)


This big face on the cover of some magazine... another female celebrity no older than her young twenties. Is it just me or are they all starting to look the same? I actually have to look at the name sometimes to be sure I know who I'm looking at. Anyway, this one turns out to be Ashley Olsen. For a split second, I'm like... who the heck is that? Then I remember...ohhh that's the SECOND one.


Anyway, the caption reads "We can't do twin movies forever." And I think to myself.. you know what? You're right. You should totally stop making movies. I mean, twin movies.


But...what'll they do? Flip a coin for each role? Can you really pick one over the other? "No, this role is screaming for Mary Kate. Yes, definitely Mary Kate. Let's let Mary Kate read for it...... Oh, that was brilliant!! Exactly as I...Hey...are we sure this one is Mary Kate?"


Anyway, blah. I dunno why I'm musing about the Olsen Twins. My next car WILL have a radio, thus ensnaring my wayward brain and keeping it from meandering into weird terrain.

(22:28)


That's how long it took me to solve the last of the Nurikabe sample puzzles on the Puzzle Japan website. Man, those things are great. And man am I a fanatic. I mean, no one paid me to do that. It was tough. I could have easily gone and done something else just as purposeless that wasn't so much hard work. But no, I had to sit there for an hour and thirty-eight minutes blacking in boxes and putting dots in other boxes...until I completed the whole puzzle and clicked the Check button and saw the little congratulatory psycho rabbit and raccoon.


Ahhhh. I wonder if anyone else taxes their mind so brutally for fun. I would think most people would give their brains a vacation when they had free time... maybe even force a vacation by using some brain-mangling chemical.


I need a brain-mangling chemical. Bring me cider. I won't talk to you unless you bring me cider. (I like saying that every now and then, for all you 16-bit-graphic RPG'ers.)
:-D